I just wanted to do a quick video because I’ve been hearing from women around the world – both in emails and on social media. The overall theme is that they want to find someone to love them to make them happy. It doesn’t quite work that way. That was me… 30 years ago. Because of that thought process, I ended up in several marriages for the wrong reasons. These men were project people to distract me from my own shortcomings. It was easier to focus on helping someone else change that it was to work on myself.
After my last divorce, a close friend gave me a great piece of advice and that was to not even think of dating or don’t even talk to a man unless I have to for professional reasons… for at least a year. I know what you’re thinking because I thought it too… a whole year?
Yeah. But you know what? It went by so frickin’ fast!
Think about the year… it seems like it was just Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and will soon be Valentine’s Day, Mothers and Fathers Days, and July 4th. So the year goes by fast but in that year, it’s your turn to build a relationship with yourself because, unless your relationship with yourself is really doing well and there are trust and unconditional love and acceptance for all the crap you’ve been through and how you’ve survived horrible things… in other words, until that relationship with yourself is fully acknowledged and nurtured, nobody else can make you happy.
Happiness is an inside job because when we start looking outside of ourselves for happiness, we start seeing flaws. You’ll find something wrong with your partner and spend more days crying and angry than laughing.
Instead of being happy, you’ll be miserable. Instead of living, you’ll simply be existing.
You’ll start judging and comparing – “Well, I like him but….” And this only leads to regrets. So do yourself a favor and allow yourself one year to become the very best you that you can be without trying to find project people to help you avoid yourself. The change always starts with the person looking back at you in the mirror. I know – I’ve been there, and it’s been rough but the relationship with myself has also been the most valuable I could’ve ever asked for.
For me, my one year turned into 2, then 3, and all of a sudden as if overnight, 8 years had gone by. Then I found my husband and we’ve been together over 10 years now.
Even though I am married, I often still miss those 8 years with just myself.
So you have to love and respect yourself first so you don’t sacrifice quality to combat loneliness. The price you pay for doing that is misery and regret. But don’t expect miracles. In fact, don’t expect at all because the difference between expectations and reality is disappointment.
When we are disappointed in ourselves, we often do things on impulse that we’ll soon regret. Start small – baby steps and don’t forget to ask for help if you need it. We are humans and are not meant to survive the messiness of life alone.
There are great tools and resources to help you, such as Clinical Graphology @ http://www.ClinicalGraphology.com, but you have to do 100% of the work.
You could surround yourself with 100 Dr. Laura’s and Dr. Phil’s but true transformation is an inside job.
Happiness depends on you. Happiness is a choice. You can choose to avoid yourself all you want to but that usually doesn’t work out too well.
Too many people move to a new home or run away to a new state to start over.
Initially, you’ll feel great – like a honeymoon phase – because there are a lot of new distractions. But you’ll soon realize that when you moved, you also moved yourself, your past, and your problems with you.
In other words, you can’t outrun yourself… so you may as well love yourself and see where that leads you because remember… When you spend so much time with Mr. or Mrs. Wrong, you will be too busy to notice when Mr. or Mrs. Right come along.
So the take away that I’d like you to remember from this video is that nobody will love and respect you like you can…
Ms. Mozelle Martin, FMHP, FHWE, PhD.
- 35-year International Forensic Handwriting Expert
- Author: What I Learned From Watching CSI
- Contracted Forensic Mental Health Professional for Jails & Prisons
- Creator” The Housecall Analyst forensic book series
- Forensic Consultant since 2007 – FindMeGroup.org
- Forensic Team Member since 2020 – ColdCaseFoundation.org
- Former Forensic Consultant – Criminal Minds TV show
- Media Commentator for ABC, NBC, TruTV, Crime Watch Daily, etc.
- Plantologist, Pianist, Photographer, and Artist